Thursday, January 23, 2014

That thing I don't want to think about

So as I sit at my desk to type this, Simon watching my every move ( just in case there's room to be held, and or food) and Pandora playing softly in the background, I have a weird feeling come over me. It's not something I can really place a label to, but over the last few months that feeling has been popping up more often.

I'm not sure where it's coming from, or why it seems to hit me in the lest expected moments, but it's here. I think it started to creep up on me right around the time my Simon turned fifteen. It's an age that comes with a new set of things to learn and handle. Remembering to give him a daily pill for his aging joints, more so now that the whole country is in deep freeze, a bit more unexpected bathroom accidents. He tries, but the urge gets him before he can get us, he never gets punished for it, I don't feel it's his fault.

We don't seem to have the urge to play with our toys as much, most days now not at all, even though mommy continues to buy them for us. Sleep tends to entertain most of our day now, normally under a mountain of 'blankies'. I know what your gonna say, it's part of aging and he's fine just slowing down. You're right, and I accept that, I'm getting older too. I know that besides a few signs of aging, he is still in good health. He does have a slight heart murmur, but dogs and humans alike can live long full lives with those.

It's the part that comes after that has me heartbroken and lost. Learning to let him go...that one day...when the time comes. That feeling catches me at night, watching him sleep, or like the other day when my father called me at work to say he was keeping an eye on him, but was doing a strange back and forth sway. It's in getting everything lined up for what do when that day finally does happen.

I knew the moment that little paw wiggled it's way down my shirt he was mine, I was his and it was love. I also knew he was going to cause me the worst heartbreak. I think though, that that's what real love is, giving yourself over to someone or something knowing they can destroy you.

I think part of grief is these moments. Having that feeling hit you without reason to be feeling it. Maybe it's our bodies way of protecting us, softening the blow. Though to be honest, I don't think it ever really is. These little guys aren't just pets, they are family. We grieve them as we do our human family.

When I started this blog, part of my intention for it was to be a scrape book, a memory of my time and the life that got to be here, that got to love me and I got to love back. I haven't been the best at posting here as I hoped to be, and the reason for that is simply because there's so many. They are all locked in my head or in my camera, I have to sort them out. I want them wrote down, it's a big life to not let it be remembered in writing.

I have enjoyed every moment, happy and sad, Simon has given me. And I plan to continue to enjoy every moment I get to have with him. My six years and counting, have been some of the best ever, with the best dog ever. No matter what anyone else thinks.

Emily and Simon

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