It's funny how you can go from being fine, and doing ok, to suddenly not being fine or ok at all. It just hits you hard and knocks you down, at least that's how it feels for me. I've been wanting to write a few blogs on here since about August, but with my heart not in it, the words just don't come easy.
I'm in a mood tonight, I just need to share, to release my pent up emotions. Because dammit I'm not ok yet. I also have a feeling this will be a long blog for me.
August saw the passing of what would have been my Simon's 17th birthday. It was a weird feeling to have his day come and pass without him around to share it with. But of course the day wasn't missed by my knowing angel. I was in a cleaning mood a few days later, and upon moving what would have been Simon's sofa, I found a small white feather.
I know it could have came from somewhere else, but I know my angel.
Finding signs, or little coincidences can be comforting, they help take some of the pain away, even for a little while. Finding my feather was the best sign I could get, but finding a close second is pretty good too. I get email updates from a few Dachshund sites I'm a part of, and most of them are for shopping. So of course when an email offering a free Dachshund gift came to my inbox, I couldn't say no.
The free gift was for a Dachshund keychain, however, the real gift came after clicking onto the site. A wooden sign on the main page of the website, simply stating “All you need is love...and a Dachshund”.
It was perfect. It said it all. It was my two favorite things in one special little wood sign.
A sign that now sits in my room by my bed.
As always in finding my comforting and good moments, I get my fair share of sad and hard ones as well. It's those hard ones that made this blog so difficult to write, or take so long to write I guess.
We are now in the month of October and then pretty soon December. October is Halloween, one of my all time favorite holidays. A holiday that was always shared with Simon. Matching costumes, or just buying a new one every year. The stores have all the decorations and costumes out, including the ones for pets. It's a bittersweet aisle to walk down.
A part of me still wants to buy him a cute new costume, or that one to match mine. But then again, why? Who's it for now, me, just for old time sake? So is it worth it? Will it help or hurt in trying to move on?
And worse yet, the month I'm dreading. The month I don't want to come, yet just want to get it over with... December. December should be a happy month for me. My birthday is on the 22nd and Christmas is the 25th. But it also marks Simon's passing on the 26th.
It marks my first year without him. A reminder of how much time has passed, and that the wound is still fresh. I want to say I hope 2016 is better, but...only time will tell.